My name is Shandi Beaver, and I am very grateful to be able to share my story with “UR IT Magazine”, along with anyone who may read this. I struggle with an eating disorder. In this passage, I will be referring to that as ED (Eating Disorder). It is, and has been, rough dealing with it every day. There is no way I could share everything about it because that could take days. But, I will share a little bit of what it’s like living with ED and how “UR IT Modeling” has helped me believe in myself a little more.
Ever wonder what it feels like to fall in a hole but no matter how many times you try to climb out, you just keep sliding back down? Or, what it feels like to have a demon on your back that you can’t shake off? Well, that is what living with ED feels like. Everyone struggling with ED has a different story.
I’ve struggled with the way I look, what people think of me, and how they see me. ED is such a battle, and there are so many back and forths. It’s the struggle of, “I’m too skinning.” to, “Oh my gosh! I gained an ounce!” I don’t want to lose weight, but I beat myself up when I gain. It’s wanting to just be normal. With ED I have, and still do, lose out on so much.
Lost job opportunities, vacations missed, going out with friends, missing out on events and parties. Always staying at home and isolated, missing dinners with family, not going out to eat. It is pretty much missing out on living life. It is surviving…not living. I’m cold all the time and tired. I have a hard time paying attention. It’s like I’m in robot mode. I’m always planning my day around food. Worrying about when and what I’ll eat, and thinking about food all day long. Having to starve all day long just so that I can go out to eat with friends or eating foods that I call “Fear foods”. I fear becoming a binge eater because I find myself snacking late at night on everything! There is so much more I can say. This is not even half of it!
I’ve been to a few treatment centers and had some hospital stays. ED is fighting with family, lies, excuses, and hurting the people you love the most. It is so hard to explain what goes on in the mind of someone with ED. Body shaming is only part of it, but finding “UR IT” has help me feel a little better about myself.
I’ve always wanted to model but never thought I had the right looks to do so. I found “UR IT Magazine”, and it has inspired me to keep moving forward with modeling. “UR IT” is not your typical modeling agency with specific requirements and unrealistic standards. They want women and men to be who they are! They want people to feel comfortable in their body, and to know that everyone is beautiful. I know this magazine has helped me get out of my comfort zone and gain self-confidence.
My hope is to one day be able to recover from ED and to help those who are struggling with this awful disease. The bottom line is, no matter what your story is, you can achieve anything if you put your mind to it! We all have our struggles. No matter what you’ve been through or may being going through right now, you can never sell yourself short, even if you think that you can’t do something…you can! “UR IT” has helped me to start my dream of modeling, and more importantly, getting back to loving who truly I am…outside AND inside!